


I won´t let you

by broken_fannibal



Category: Hannibal (TV), Hannibal Lecter Series - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Will Graham, Season/Series 01, Someone Helps Will Graham, Suicide Attempt, Will Graham Has Encephalitis, explicit description of suicide attempt, so much blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 12:43:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13146963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_fannibal/pseuds/broken_fannibal
Summary: This is set in season 1. Will feels awful, he has encephalitis, nightmares, illusions, the border between dreams and reality gets more and more blurry. At the darkest point, he decides to end his suffering.





	I won´t let you

He cried outside in the car. Tears and choked sobs.

During his therapy session with Dr Lecter he had cried again. When he asked why, Will couldn´t say the exact reason. It was just... everything. Everything had piled up and now the weight had become too heavy to bear. He felt like he would break any moment.

Dr Lecter’s voice cut through the pain, the thick fog surrounding him. "Will. Look at me." He waited, Will looked up. "Take deep breaths."

He tried, he did. The tears dried on his cheeks. His breath was shaky and here and there sobs broke through. His hands were shaking, he pulled them both into his lap, kneading them in an effort to calm himself.

“When you get home, take a shower. Let the water wash all the stress away. You will come out clean and relaxed and tired. You will be able to sleep immediately.”

Will sighed, he bit his lip.

“Will.”

He looked up at his psychiatrist. Tired. Tired of it all.

“You´re strong, you might feel like you´re losing yourself, but you´re not alone. You can turn to more than one person for help.”

Will scoffed and shook his head.

Hannibal sighed. “Take a shower here. You will feel better. Then we will continue talking.”

Another sigh. “Okay.” His voice was monotone.

Hannibal got up and motioned for Will to follow him. They went up a flight of stairs and down a hallway and then into the bathroom.

After Will had gone inside, Hannibal stood in the door. “There are towels over there, shampoo is in the shower. If you want to, I can bring you some other clothes to change into later.”

“No, thank you.”

Hannibal nodded. “I will be downstairs.” He turned and closed the door.

Will stood there for almost a minute. He sighed again and locked the door. After undressing he stepped into the shower cubicle. The warm water poured down on him. It made everything even more foggy. He couldn´t think at all, it felt like his brain turned into cotton. Will turned the water cold. He gasped but soon got used to the way the water bit into his skin. The pain gave him a bit of clarity. He turned around, let the water wash over his face, down his chest. After a while, he realised he had started crying again. He sat down on the floor, his face turned up to the spray. The ice-cold water burned on his skin. His head cleared a bit. He started crying again, or maybe he had never stopped. He didn´t know. What he knew was that there was no way out of this misery. With every passing minute, he saw it clearer and clearer.

Will didn´t know how long it had been. But his hands felt numb, his face and shoulders too. He turned the water off and got out. He leaned onto the sink, stared into the mirror. At first, he stared into nothing, then he focused on his own face. He was a mess. Broken. Broken beyond repair. There was no hope. No-one could fix him. He would always have to carry this burden with him. Be a burden to other people, those who were forced to try to help him. His eyes caught sight of the straight razor on the board above the sink. “Unless…” he thought. It was right there in front of him. A sign, an opportunity. He took it, snapped it open. He pulled the blade over the inside of his wrist once. It cut so smoothly. He stared at the cut in wonder as red began to pour from it. He watched it gather in his palm. He tilted his arm and the blood dripped into the sink. Disappeared in the drain. He took the razor in his other hand, it was shaking a bit, and cut over the inside of his other wrist. The cut was crooked, he winced as he pulled the blade away. There was a sting now, more pain giving him more clarity. He sighed. Soon it would be over. He smiled as he cut his wrist again, his hands shaking more now. The blood dripped onto the floor. He watched it creating a pattern on the white tiles. All the drops of blood had roughly the same size after they hit the floor. That was because of the distance between his arms and the floor. He moved his arms, some splatters were oval now. He watched the pattern that was created. The razor slipped from his hand, clattered onto the floor. It tore him away from the pattern. He crouched down to pick it up again. Dizziness overtook him, he fell onto his side. The tiles were cool against his skin. It took him a few tries to pick up the razor, his hand was so slippery. He wiped it on the floor. Blood everywhere. Will pulled the blade over his skin a few more times. Watched the blood pour from the cuts. He couldn´t tell anymore how much time passed, it didn´t matter. At some point, he realised he could barely hold the razor anymore, or even keep his eyes open. He smiled.

  
Hannibal tried to open the door. It was locked. He could smell blood, lots of it. Will was hurt. He threw himself against the door over and over again until it finally gave in. There was blood all over the floor. Will. He lay there motionless. Hannibal hurried to him. He was smiling, his eyes half closed.

“No.” He felt for a pulse. Barely there. Then it was gone. “No!” He ran downstairs. “No! No!” He knew he had a syringe ready to revive someone. He grabbed the bag, almost dropped it. He also had to get blood. He hurried to the fridge, grabbed all he had. Then he ran upstairs again as fast as he could. He pushed the needle into Will´s neck. Didn´t wait for a reaction, he knew it had to work. There were bandages in the bag as well, he wrapped Will´s wrists tight. Then he set up the blood infusion.

When he looked at Will´s face he saw him blinking. Tears of relief streamed down his face. He lifted Will a bit to put towels under him. He was too cold. Hannibal helped him into a sitting position, less contact with the floor meant less cold.

He cupped Will's face in his hands and weakly smiled at him.

Will frowned.

“I couldn´t let you die. I won´t let you die, Will. I won´t let you.” New tears ran down his face.

Will sighed, his head would have slumped forward had Hannibal not held it.

“Will, there is always a way out.”

Will shook his head. He moved his lips but no words came out. Hannibal read it as a “No.”

Hannibal carefully pulled Will close. “I thought I´d lost you.” He wrapped his arms around Will, tried to warm him.

Will sighed again. He cried too now.

Hannibal could not tell why. Was it because Will hadn´t succeeded? Or because he had survived? Did he still want to die? Hannibal planted a kiss on Will´s head. “I don´t want to lose you. I care about you, Will.”

Will looked up at him. Then he closed his eyes for a long moment.

“I will carry you to my bed. I will set up a nutrient solution to feed you. And painkillers.”

Will violently shook his head at the last sentence.

“But you must in be in pain. You don´t have to be.”

Will shook his head again.

“Okay.” A pause. “But please tell me if you want some.”

No answer.

Hannibal gathered more towels and wrapped them around Will. Then he picked him up and took the blood bags with him. On the bed, he dried Will off and dressed him in warm clothes. He covered him with a blanket and set up the other infusion. He turned the heating up a bit.

“Will.”

Will looked at him. Dried tears and blood on his face. But no expression.

“I will go downstairs now and get some water for you. Don´t try anything. Please.”

Will stared at him for a while, then he nodded.

With a last worried look, Hannibal got up and hurried downstairs.

Will took a few sips of water through the straw, then he carefully cleared his throat.

Hannibal leaned close to be able to hear what he wanted to say.

“Dogs. –ou have to …eed them.”  
Hannibal nodded. “I will call Alana. I cannot leave you alone.”

Will closed his eyes. He heard Hannibal talking on the phone.

“Hello, Alana. - Could you drive to Wills house and feed his dogs? Maybe let them out too?- No, he is here with me. – He…”

Will eyes shot open, he saw Hannibal looking at him. He gave him a panicked look and shook his head so hard it made him dizzy.

“- isn´t feeling well.” Hannibal said. “Thank you.- Yes, I will tell him.” He smiled at Will. “Alana wishes that you get well soon.”

Will just scoffed and closed his eyes again.

Hannibal sat by Will's side, caressing his face and giving him water from time to time. He changed the bandages once and put up the next blood bag.

Hannibal's phone vibrated. A new message. There were several photos of Wills dogs, eating and playing. He showed them to Will.

It brought a small smile to his face. He looked at the photos a long time. Will looked back up at Hannibal. There was something questioning in his expression.

“Are you wondering why I saved you?”

A quiet affirmative hum.

“I did not want to lose you. Not just as a patient but as a friend.”

There was something akin to surprise on Will's face.

“I care about you. And I want to help you. I want to help you get better, fighting encephalitis, helping you tell the difference between reality and illusions.”

Will looked at him. A strange mix of understanding and disappointment played across his face.

“Jack did not want to let you go but after this incident, he does not have a choice. He has to let you go.”

Will frowned again. Then he nodded. “good.”

Hannibal smiled at him and reached out to caress his face again. He let his hand slide down to Will's shoulder.

 

Hannibal got up a couple of times in the night to check or change Will's bandages or one of the infusions. As he changed the bandages, he took the time to clean the cuts as well.

 

When Will woke up the next morning, he felt stiff but warm. He opened his eyes and turned his head. His eyes widened when he saw Hannibal. His psychiatrist lay close to him, one hand on a side of his neck, the other holding one of his hands. Will turned his head back. One hand was there to feel his pulse, the other to keep him from pulling the needles out or leaving. Slowly as his brain woke up more and more, he began to feel the pain again. And a pressure in his abdomen. His bladder.

“-bal.” He coughed. “-annibal.”

Hannibal woke up. He blinked a couple of times. “Yes, Will?”

“-need to pee.”

Hannibal nodded and got up. He helped Will sit.

“Do you feel dizzy?”

“Just a little.”

“I don´t think we should use the bathroom upstairs but I doubt you´re in the condition to go down the stairs.” He watched Wills face very closely.

“So?”

Hannibal sighed. “I will get a bowl. Don´t move until I come back.”

Will nodded.

Hannibal looked at him a while longer, then he quickly turned and left.

A minute later He set a bowl down on the nightstand and turned away.

Will appreciated this little bit of privacy. After he was done Hannibal waited a bit and then took the bowl away.

 

“Your phone is ringing.” Will said as Hannibal came back.

Hannibal went and picked it up. “Jack.” , he said before he answered the call. “Good morning.- Yes.- Yes. - He is here, Jack.- No, I am afraid not. He is not in the condition to come to work.- We will have to have a conversation about that later today.- Yes, it is important.- 4 pm. Good.”

He smiled at Will after he hung up.

Will looked at him. He didn’t know what expression showed on his face.

Hannibal stepped closer again and cupped his face in one hand. The other came to rest against his neck.

Will closed his eyes for a moment. Hannibal’s hands were warm, they felt good. It occurred to him that he was in good hands here. He could just let go and let Hannibal decide for him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please consider leaving kudos and comments!


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